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May. 16th, 2012

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House series finale [SPOILERS for previous eps and upcoming]


Spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers! )
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My dog, my life

I have an adorable pug. He is the cutest sweetest doggy in the world. His name is Kramer. He's especially attached to my mom and my mom is also very attached to him. He's her baby (both my parents quite obviously miss having little kids - us old grumps just aren't as much fun ;) ) and he acts like it. He has a tendency to get ticks. When I came home for winter break, I scratched him in my favorite spot, the scruff under his chin. I think I prefer this spot more than anyone else in my family, because I had literally just stepped in the door and given him one scratch there when I felt something small and hard and said "He has a tick?" And my family was like, "What tick?" And then I couldn't find it again right away, but it turned up again either later that day or the next and we were able to remove it.

Today, not even an hour ago, I went looking for Kramer and found him sleeping in my parents' room, like he often does at this time of night. When I came in, he wagged his tail and rolled over on his back for belly rubs. As I was scratching his belly, I felt something small and hard and thought, "Uh-oh, have I found another tick?" But I couldn't see it very well and thought it might just be a scab, so I called my mom in and she thought it was a tick too. So she took Kramer to my dad in the basement since he's the one who removes the ticks. They were down there a long time (fifteen min at least) and eventually I went down to find out why, and I found my mom pacing in the basement while my dad worked on getting the tick off Kramer with his friend in his studio. Mom said the spot where he was trying to remove the tick was all red and raw now and the dog was very upset and she couldn't stand to watch him.

So I went inside and I looked at the tick, and it really looked to me just like a scab. Then I had the horrible thought that it might actually be one of his nipples - he has these useless little black nipples in somewhat symmetrical spots on his belly, but I didn't think this was the right spot. Plus, it was flat, and I think if my dad had accidentally removed part of the nipple it would have been bleeding. Now I think it's just a sun spot or age spot. Anyway, I got worried that what we'd seen wasn't actually a tick and we'd put our poor doggy through all this for nothing. He was so upset, but by the time I got there he'd kind of given up and was just breathing hard and lying there. So I started looking around on his tummy and - voila - it turned out there was a tick, and either it had moved or my dad just got distracted by the look-alike black spot. It was a nice big thing with long legs. Ewww. Once I found the actual tick, it came off pretty quick. Poor doggy lost some fur and has a little raw spot where Dad was digging at the black spot, but after the tick was gone I picked him up and brought him to my mom, who gave him treats and wiped him down, and he bounced back pretty much instantly. He's got his jaunty walk back and everything is fine! (My mom is the most shaken up by it all. :P I understand, but Kramer is totally fine.)

Moral of the story is, I had a moment of not wanting to admit that I might have been mistaken about the tick when I started thinking it might have just been a dark spot of skin. I hated the idea that I'd caused my dog to go through this for nothing. But luckily, I didn't act like an idiot, and said something, and then it even turned out that I wasn't mistaken and there was in fact a tick. I'm just sort of checking my pride at the moment, though. A major fear of mine is doing something in spite of feeling convicted that it's wrong, just because I'm bent on being right. I do like to be right - who doesn't? And I enjoy a (friendly, casual) debate. (Some people seem to find debating antagonistic no matter what, but it's not like that for me. I love to share opinions and compare observations. Regardless, any debate carries the risk of going sour. I do try not to let that happen.) But I also make an effort to remember my own weaknesses, my own lack of knowledge.

It's been a journey for me over the years getting to know who I am. I'm still very confused about certain things, in particular how I interact socially. I have problems getting close to people. Generally I get close to someone if they seem like they want to get close to me, so personally I'm rather indiscriminate, but also too reserved. I've been working on being more open. One of the major factors contributing to that closed-ness was my fear of failure/rejection. I really came to realize this a couple years ago. I'm not a perfectionist, but I am really hard on myself, to the point that I usually expect to fail. At the same time, I can't forgive myself for failing, so it's been many years in a circle of pain: think I'm failing, punish myself for failing, rinse and repeat. Over the past couple years, I started trying to forgive myself for my failures. I started trying to shrug it off and look forward to the next opportunity to prove myself. It was hard, and it took a conscious effort. It's a conscious effort that other people can't see and so they can't validate me for it. I had to learn to validate myself. But that has been so, so worth it. I came to a new understanding of what it means when people say "be confident." "Believe in yourself." These were phrases I heard so often, but could never really grasp. It is so uplifting to forgive my failures. I don't think this means I've lowered my standards. Instead, I think I've raised the bar: I expect myself to go into new endeavors with more optimism and drive.

It's funny how having more pride in myself has helped my check my pride about messing up or being wrong. But it makes perfect sense. In the past, I felt driven to excel in areas where it would be obvious to others, so that they wouldn't know how insecure I really am. But as I forgive myself for the mistakes I make, I find that I can love who I am much more. And I can consider myself to be on a journey of learning, rather than a lifelong competition.

I know it's rather weird to feel like expounding on this life lesson because of something that happened to my dog, but hey - just because it wouldn't make a good movie doesn't mean it's not relevant. :) I think this is a lesson that is hard for many people to learn, just because telling people, "If you smile and seem confident in yourself, other people will be confident in you too," seems so vague and hard to believe. I always used to think, "But if I haven't done anything to prove myself, how can I feel confident?" Again, it doesn't make sense, but it really is true - believe in yourself first and success with follow. I've been buoyed by a few successes these past few years, in mostly educational, but also social, arenas. And also one major failure: I was involved in something a couple years ago which brought back all the claustrophobia and painful insecurity that tormented me in my teen years, and I was utterly shocked that after all the progress I'd thought I'd made, I reverted so quickly to that shell-shocked adolescent whose walls against friendship were miles high. That hurt me for a while afterward, and it also made me feel like I really needed to try this "be confident" thing. Because I just could not go back to the hell that was middle and high school. And it was worth it. I'm still a work in progress in a very major way. But even if no one else can see it, I see the changes in myself. I can accept suffering and sadness as the flip side of joy and peace. I want to find strength in those experiences instead of drowning in them.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. My next adventure is traveling to Japan for two years to teach English to junior high and elementary school students. It's been my dream all through college and I'm still so stoked that it's coming true. I feel more prepared for it because of what I learned about myself during my college years. (Yeah, by the way, I'm a graduate now with a B.A. in English Literature and Japanese Language & Linguistics!) College only lasts a few years. School ends. But learning who you are, and how to become the person you want to be, is a lifelong journey. I don't think everyone considers it their most important undertaking, but to me, there is nothing more important than the human soul, however you interpret that.
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Mar. 19th, 2012

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(no subject)

Unusual schedule this week, trying to keep track of the extras

Tues: - Geo exam: 1-4 in classroom
         - Meet up with Piper

Wed: - Exam: 1-3 in LBC comp lab
         - Meet Yuki: 4
         - Meet Marc: 5

Others: 8802; write host parents; Mom's card; grad luncheon/dinner plans
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メモリーの歌詞

Memory あおぎ見て月を
思い出をたどり 歩いてゆけば
出逢えるわ 幸せの姿に 新しい命に 

Memory 月明かりの中美しく去った 
過ぎし日を思う忘れない 
その幸せの日々思い出よ 還れ(かえれ) 

街の灯は 消え去り
夜の終わりが
古き日は去り行きつつ
夜明けが近づく 

Daylight 夜明けとともに
新たな命を 日はもう昇る
この夜を思い出に渡して
明日に向かうの 

木洩れ陽は輝き
光があふれ
花のように朝が開く
思い出は去る

お願い 私にさわって
私を抱いて
光とともに

わかるわ 幸せの姿が
ほら見て 明日が

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Dec. 25th, 2011

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The Christmas haul!!! lol

Another quiet Christmas, but fun all the same! Mom made roast chicken, roast potatoes, stuffing, and parmesan cauliflower. And she made a cheesecake. Yummmm. Then we went to the not-quite-midnight-service, which would have been more enjoyable if I hadn't been sick all week and couldn't sing the carols very well. But at least we got to light candles and let them burn for about thirty seconds before we were hurriedly told to put them out.

My dog had a lovely Christmas morning. He loves those toy dogs that flip, so we got him a new one since he always kills them pretty fast. Plus he got treats, and a piece of the biscuit-end of Pocky, and last night he got some chicken. Lucky lucky dog.

I got my mom a turquoise sweater and some earrings which look like lotuses made out of silver filigree, with diamonds in the middle. (They're way cheaper than they sound.) My mom told me my dad wanted the CD "Smile" by the Beach Bos, but there are very very few places left in my neighborhood that sell CDs, so we had to try a bunch of different places. (In fact, a mall employee told us that there is officially no place in the entire mall that sells CDs.) We went to a record store finally, and there right in front of us was "Smile" in vinyl. I thought a record would be extra Christmasy, so I got it for my dad. And I went to a game store and got Skyrim for my bro per Keith's recommendation. I'd be thinking of getting it for him, but wasn't sure what kind of game it was, and Keith gave it a good review. As it turns out, it seems like my bro's been wanting it anyway. Yay. I also got gifts for the present exchange at college and something for Lani ^___^ I still have to get a couple more things for people who I won't see for a while anyway.

As for me, I got a box of Pocky, a rain stick (lol), $75 from my aunt, orange ear pods, the CATS musical on DVD, Sims 3 Pets, a pretty owl necklace, Christmas penguin socks, a movie ticket, a reeeeally nice Lord of the Rings omnibus from my bro (it's suede or something with gorgeous engravings, and pictures and maps and things), and my mom's also getting me real Photoshop! It's the student edition but my mom's a graphic designer and it's the same version she uses. Anyway, it's the first time I'll have REAL photoshop <333 tres exciting!

The only thing that could make me happier would be Sherlock Season 2... but that's gonna be a while yet for us poor deprived Americans ;__; Most of the time I'm quite happy on my side of the ocean, but every now and then...

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year & all that!
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Dec. 8th, 2011

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Feline, fearless, faithful and true

Hi.

Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats! )

Nov. 1st, 2011

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Making art again




Click the pic - click it again - and again - eventually it will be a .gif... alright nothing special. I'm the only one who is excited about this. And it's even too late for Halloween. But WHO CARES! I'm drawing again! Yaaaaaaay. I'm sure I'll finish this one too, even though it won't be much more exciting than it is now ^^; just colors and making a stab at a whimsical Halloween-y background.

In other news, school is great, thesis is meh, job hunt is also meh, the rest of my family is apparently buried under a foot of snow but hopefully has power though I haven't heard from them, I miss mi reina en Japon, Kanna may be coming for Thanksgiving, a new chapter of ASB is almost complete, and I have Kit-Kats for an indeterminate amount of time. ;) これできっと勝つよ!!

♪ H A P P Y  H A L L O W E E N  Y ' A L L ! ! !

Aug. 26th, 2011

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reminisce

"Sometimes, child, one wishes to be haunted by the dead."

"I do not."

"I suppose not. But... humor me. You might feel differently about Kurt."

"Nightcrawler."

"A good man. So very kind. So dear to me."

"You... loved... him."

"He was impossible not to love."
- ♥ -

Jul. 17th, 2011

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Ororo~

So over the past couple weeks, I've watched all of Rurouni Kenshin, including the movie and Seisouhen. (Not Tsuiokuhen yet.) I've also gone through my Ruroken manga collection - I have up to 8, then 10 and 12, and then the last seven are in Japanese. Sooo I have to fill in the blanks hahaha. There are compilation books available now; I really want them. Soo, I also decided to upload some Ruroken icons! It's time for a change anyway.

In really cool news, they are apparently making a live adaption of Ruroken! That's amazing - it's been over 10 years since the series ended but it's still popular enough for this. They've cast Satou Takeru as Kenshin. He's my age :P way too young, but Kenshin's supposed to look young. I read that they also considered Miura Haruma (that's what I think I read at least - the article was in French) and truth be told, I think he looks more like Kenshin (the Kenshin in my head anyway). But Satou is very pretty too, and based on these articles, Watsuki is happy with the casting choice. I really hope it's good. It's supposed to come out in 2012. Satou has already been practicing kenjutsu. Must be great to be an actor - you get to learn all kinds of awesome things as part of your job! Hard work, sure, but also awesome.

So I finished the anime the other day and today, I decided to watch Seisouhen. I kept telling myself not to do it, not to do it... and then I did it. :P Like many Ruroken fans, I have a love-hate relationship with Seisouhen. It's beautiful, heart-wrenching, and unforgettable. (Tho' I wish they had just gone ahead and made it a little longer so certain things weren't so rushed.) And yet, the idea that Kenshin and Kaoru both die so young is just hard to digest. The idea that Kenshin, who found his will to live in Kyoto and then made peace with what happened with Tomoe, instead of finally feeling free enough to settle down with Kaoru, still can't find real happiness is... so dark. If I remember right, Watsuki himself said he wanted Ruroken to have an "upbeat" ending and that he wasn't entirely satisfied with Seisouhen because of how sad it was. I like to think Kenshin, though not by any means free of his ghosts, found happiness and continued to help people till a ripe old age, when he finally loosened up and could recognize that he did a lot of good with his life. As for Kaoru, she is awesome in Seisouhen, but beautiful and romantic as their story is, I can't help wishing she'd lived for herself a little more. Instead of devoting herself entirely to Kenshin, she shouldn't have felt like she needed to be his lifeline. Being his anchor was enough, right? I wish instead of sharing his suffering (the illness), she at least had lived on after he died and found her own peace. Overall, though, I don't want to think of Kenshin as dead, period.

That being said... I love Seisouhen. Especially the last parts. They are so touching and heartfelt. The last scene, where Kenshin struggles to get home and falls into Kaoru's arms, saying "Tadaima, Kaoru," and she replies with "Okaeri, Shinta" ... that just kills me. I was feeling depressed after watching Seisouhen (this is why I told myself not to watch it in the first place), and I was just getting over it when I suddenly remembered that particular scene. Ugh. I cried and cried. There's a lump in my throat right now just remembering it.

I wish I could express what exactly gets me so deeply about Seisouhen. I can't really say. Except that I always really loved Kenshin.

So, I'm a little off-kilter right now - pathetic, I know, but that's who I am - and I'm just hoping I'll be over it by tomorrow, since I do have to go to work and it's gonna be a rough week. Very hot, some rain, 26 kids. I hope the week goes well, but I have a vacation coming up at the end of July, so I keep telling myself that even when I get to the end of my rope, I only have to make it through a few more days. In August, I'll work three full weeks (unless I take the last Friday off) and then it's back to campus. Honestly, I want to be back at school already. Feeling a little stifled at home. And bored. Work is fine, but not interesting. I miss my friends and classes. But going back means I have to work on my thesis, so... well, there's no such thing as a perfect situation :P

Ciao for now!

Jul. 11th, 2011

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まいちゃった。:<

この週末、家族とNEWJERSEY州の海辺に行った。意外に楽しかったけど、長い旅行だから今日の仕事を休むと決めた。二週間前、社長に休む日を伝えておいた。名前を書いたし、同僚に説明したし、ちゃんと矢って全部大丈夫だと思った。馬鹿のわたし (:P)

今日の午後、社長からの電話メッセージ:「さっき私に今日は休みだと伝えたの?」

-__- はぁああい、そうしましたよ。

ちょっといらいらしてる。社長は「あっ、そのリストに名前は書いてある。だったら大丈夫」と言ってくれたけど、明日同僚たちにもう一度説明しなくてはいけないな。今日、みんなは「ニコルはどこにいるの?何で何も言わずに仕事を休んだの?」とか思っているかな。ちょっと面倒くさい。

:x

(ちなみに、私は海の大ファンになったよ。海に泳ぐのがすごい楽しい。そして、深い海の生き物が大好き!アンコウとかね。)
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